DUE TO a bit of an obsessive-compulsive streak, I have a hard time giving up on things I’ve decided I want to like, but ultimately don’t enjoy. Similarly, due to not wanting to “rock the boat,” I have a hard time saying “no” to things I don’t want to do. I’m trying to get better on both of these fronts, but it’s a slow process.
Slow, yes, but one I’m making progress with all the same. Last night, I hurled the hated Bethesda RPG, “Oblivion” out of my PS3, never to be played again, despite having already invested 25 hours into it. It may not sound like much, but under normal circumstances I would’ve suffered through all 1,000+ hours of the game, feeling duty bound to finish it simply because I started it.
For an addled individual like myself, this is a very liberating feeling. I had a similar such victory when I deactivated my “real name” Facebook account a few weeks ago, deleted my old blogs, and decided to become “‘Mr. Sensational’ Gino Vega” full time.
I pursue this avenue of communication as a way to blow off steam and express a very specific side of myself (the Gino Vegan side), not to express political, religious, or moral beliefs or to police those beliefs held by others.
Unfortunately, Gino Veganism often found itself at odds with those who were decidedly interested in the aforementioned policing, so for my own piece of mind, I finally decided it was both “OK” and necessary to retreat fully within Gino.
Again, it was nice to realize I could let go and do what I wanted to do, not at the expense of others, but without punishing myself.
Which brings me to today, “Memorial Day.”
I’m sure if I were still on Facebook under my non-Gino Vegan identity I could see scores of posts either venerating Memorial Day or castigating it, but, to be honest, I’m simply thankful to have a Monday off, even though with Miss Sensational I and Miss Sensational II on hand there’s really no such a thing as an “off” day here at Sensational Manor.
However, were I pressed to associate some personal meaning or feelings with Memorial Day (aside from the holiday’s stated purpose), I’d have to say that I associate it with a first step in my slow movement toward establishing boundaries, and letting go of things I’m not interested in but feel compelled to cling to.
Years ago, I followed Major League Baseball. For awhile, I really did enjoy it. Over time though, it became clear that most of my enjoyment was tied up with players I looked up to as a kid, and as these players began to disappear one by one, I started to find the sport as exciting as watching a grown man play tiddly-winks. Maybe it would be different if I were from the East Coast or lived in a hardcore baseball market, I don’t know, but the generally lackadaisical Northern, CA approach to baseball fandom did little to spur on my excitement for an already tepid sporting pastime.
Still, for a long time, although I knew I couldn’t stand the game anymore, I forced myself to follow it obsessively. Memorial Day weekend always felt to me like the time when the season really began in earnest. It was also the time in each young season when I’d realize I was totally uninterested in the game, but kept on watching anyway.
Until finally, maybe three seasons ago, suddenly, and without reason or warning, I turned off a game I was listening to on the radio and never went back. This was one of my first triumphs in the struggle to wrestle free from compulsion. There have been a few since, and hopefully more to come in the future.
So from all of us here at Sensational Manor, to the tens of ones reading around the world, have a happy Memorial Day weekend, doing or not doing that which you feel or don’t feel the need to do, free of compulsion. As for me, I’ll be using my newly purchased weed whacker in the backyard in a true display of Memorial Day weekend-ism, though without the burden of baseball. Take care!
SENSATIONAL BONUS: Randy Savage at the old ball game…