I WENT TO the Five Guys Burgers and Fries here in Santa Rosa, CA for the first time today. Ms. Sensational was on her lunch break and we had Miss Sensational II in tow. Living in Northern CA, we’re of course into all that healthy living, whole foods, the horrors of factory farming, sensible liberal crap like everyone else, but fortunately we’re not so pious that we don’t occasionally delve into the realm of fast food.
One of the last times I opined about fast food, I was immediately assaulted by not one, but five or six well meaning individuals bludgeoning me via email with links to a TED talk on the effects of processed foods on the body. Fortunately these days I’m operating under a pseudonym.
Anyhow, in cases where Ms. Sensational and I do partake in this indulgence that’s run afoul of our strange, local brand of secularly humanistic Calvinism, there tends to be a bit of debate. While my fast food preference leads me toward the Frankensteinish delights of, say, a Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger, or a Jack in the Box Sourdough Jack, Ms. Sensational isn’t really into this stuff, and prefers the more puritanical fare of In N Out Burger.
As an aside, the In N Out Burger that recently opened here in Santa Rosa was allowed to do so under, among other strictures, the condition that the establishment create “low emission vehicle parking only” spaces, and place signs in the drive thru exhorting drivers to turn off their engine rather than idle while waiting. Please don’t think I object to fuel efficiency or lowered emissions, I just wanted to paint a picture of life in Northern, CA. Strangely though, the fuel efficient spaces have been occupied by behemoth SUVs the few times I’ve been to that In N Out location.
I don’t necessarily have a problem with In N Out Burger, and I can appreciate the relative purity of their food in the fast food scheme of things, but it strikes me as a little bit boring. Not bad, but boring. I don’t get the same thrill I do from the aforementioned Western Bacon Cheeseburger, for instance.
Unfortunately, the last couple times I’ve talked Ms. Sensational into Carl’s Jr., she’s ended up with weird fingers or eyeballs or something in her chicken strips, so since then it’s been all In N Out all the time when it comes to fast food. Which…er…we hardly ever eat, of course.
Until now! Finally there is a fast food franchise that we can all agree on! A few days ago, Ms. Sensational went to the local Five Guys Burgers and Fries for the first time (it’s been around for a bit, but we’d never ended up there), and reported that it might be the answer to our problems. So today, we went together, and she was right. Five Guys boasts similarly more-pure-than-the-average-chain-burgers as In N Out, BUT with an array of choices when it comes to toppings. I had mushrooms, jalapeno peppers, and BBQ sauce on mine, the very kind of toppings I always crave when we eat In N Out, but at Five Guys it was a reality. Good fries too, but damn they give you a lot.
In any case, until further notice, Five Guys is my spot when it comes to fast food here in Santa Rosa. Which, of course it hardly ever comes to. But, if you must, please forward all concerned emails and TED talk links to email@example.com
p.s. We are having a vegetarian, home cooked meal tonight using locally farmed ingredients.